Rock-tober 10, 2018

Andrea is a fashionista. Multiple seasons of shows like Project Runway and its ilk reside on the DVR, and fashion magazines strewn around our house almost outnumber my automotive and woodworking rags. Her shoe collection would make Imelda Marcos proud, and I am utterly flabbergasted by the number of purses and handbags she has stuffed in her closet. Her rule of fashion says a woman's outfit can be short, tight, or shiny. Choose only one, however. With more than one, an outfit can go from classy to trashy very quickly.

With that frame of reference, she's just a little disappointed my wardrobe doesn't come from Ralph Lauren.

"Wayne, I've accepted that 'preppy' isn't your style."
"Wow. That sounds like resignation rather than affirmation..."
"Noo! Not what I meant. You're just more...beachy."

That's not to say I dress like a slob. I've been successfully putting together my own outfits for well over 4 decades, and I know how to make an impression if I have to. For one of our dates early in our relationship, I wore my service dress blues and took her to a symphony concert in Atlanta. Don't tell me I don't have game.

But I've learned from her over the years. On my build, pleated pants aren't flattering, but cuffed legs are OK. You can take dark wash jeans and long sleeve shirts from dressed down to business casual by donning a blazer. Probably most importantly, match your socks to your pants, not your shoes. I've become self-aware enough to allow her to safeguard my fashion sense. Once, when we were out and about people watching, this guy's outfit made me cringe. I realized I didn't want to be "that guy".

"Hey, Andrea?"
"Yeah?"
"Please don't ever let me leave the house wearing shorts, black socks, and sandals."
"Sure thing, babe."

When the boys from ZZ Top came to town to play a gig, I relayed this conversation. They showed no mercy.

"Hey, l'il bro. Please tell me you weren't 'that guy' wearing Birkenstocks and sandals."
"Dude. No! Like I said, I'm trying to not be that guy."
"Hmph. It's a good thing she dresses you."
"Shut up, Frank! She does not dress me. She just makes sure I didn't forget to put on a belt before I walk out the door."
"Ha! Hey, Frank, sounds to me like she dresses him."
"Aw for crying out...SHUT UP, Dusty! Go spin your fuzzy guitar."