Andrea and I were tooling around town when a commercial came on the radio hawking some new brand of blue jeans. They were described as straight cut and made from slightly stretchable fabric so they moved with you and "were great for your active lifestyle". The commercial continued in a "but wait, there's more" fashion. They culminated with, "and best of all, they're half the cost of designer jeans". I'm thinking, "Cool, I can shell out $20 for a new pair of jeans." When I went to their website and looked up pricing, I lost it. Andrea, who was driving, was a little surprised at my outburst and asked what just happened. "Holy Hannah! Since when does half off designer jeans equate to $80!?" Andrea had a good chuckle and enjoyed my fashion naivete a little too immensely.
"Well, Hon, pull yourself out of your '80's era fashion sense and join us in the new millennium."
Great. Another commentary on my propensity for beachy, Magnum and Crockett couture. I'm thinking, "Alright, I'm not going to be that older guy wearing plaid golf shorts halfway up to my chest. I can adjust to the times. Let me educate myself on the complexities of modern men's high fashion." With that, I turned to that great tutor of the masses, YouTube. A quick search immediately returned pages and pages of men's fashion faux pas and how to avoid them. I clicked on one link and prepared to empower my inner fashionista.
Right out of the gate, I was in trouble. "Men should never wear cargo shorts." What?! I love cargo shorts! Their glut of oversized pockets gives me the space to stash all my EDC items like wallet, keys, and phone. I guess I could stash it all in a fanny pack, but these were designated fashion anathema number 6.
"Wearing sandals makes you look like a rube." Are you kidding me?! Some places and situations just call for sandals. Beaches, woodland trails, and hot, humid summer days with temps in the upper 90's all are better enjoyed or endured with sandals. My irksome tutor continued with further sandal no-nos. While public wear of sandals was bad, wearing them with socks put you on a whole other level of style ineptitude, and wearing flip flops in public was just beyond the pale. OK. Fair points. I personally think flip flops in public are kind of gross.
"Only school boys use backpacks." At this point, I hung my head in doleful resignation. I use a backpack every day to pack lunch, a laptop, or even a change of clothes. According to my now vexing tutor, the proper alternative is a leather satchel or briefcase. My backpack happens to be all leather, so maybe I'm not too far gone on this.
I didn't finish my first tutoring session. When Dude started slamming themed neckties, I abruptly stopped the video. Nobody puts down my Snoopy print neckties. Besides, I realized I already had my own in house fashion guru. Andrea will occasionally crinkle her nose and let slip a plaintive, "Oh. Is that what you're wearing?" Early on, I obtusely assumed it was a rhetorical question, so I nodded and continued out the door. I've since learned she's conceding to my beachy fashion sense but keeping me from going off the rails.
Traffic released the album Low Spark Of High Heeled Boys in 1971. The title track was never released as a single, likely because of its twelve-minute plus playtime. According to the group's drummer, Jim Capaldi, the song was a celebration of the spirited, multi-faceted rebellion of his generation. For our current discussion, I take it to mean you don't have to constrain yourself to the guidelines of some self-avowed Internet authority. Wear those Hawaiian prints and cargo shorts and go forth boldly.
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