Rock-tober 21, 2016

"Glycerine" was Bush's fourth single off Sixteen Stone. Released in 1995 it peaked at #16 in the US.

Petrolatum was originally a byproduct of the oil drilling process. Robert Chesebrough, a chemist by trade, noticed oil workers in Pennsylvania used this goop to heal and protect damaged skin. After some experimentation, he found a way to purify and refine the substance and patented it in 1865 as Vaseline.

Vaseline has worked its way into the fabric of Americana as thoroughly as Coca Cola and Crayola Crayons. Found in nearly everybody's medicine cabinet, mythic properties have been attributed to this congealed petroleum product. Want to keep slugs away from your potted plants? Rub Vaseline along the rims of your pots. Scuff marks on your shoes? Vaseline to the rescue. Are your car battery's terminals corroding? This magic balm will fix that, too.

Ladies, for your beauty regimen, this stuff will help apply and/or remove makeup, make your lashes longer and lusher, and keep lipstick off your teeth. But wait, there's more! It will prevent streaking from tan-in-a-can, keep hair dye from highlighting your hairline, and ward off chafing in, um, vulnerable areas. OMG - this stuff will even cure split ends!

Maybe this is why, when contemplating this laundry list of wonders of Mr. Chesebrough's magical elixir, Andrea thought it would be a great styling gel for my hair.

I thought she was joking. But no, she thought I'd look reeaaalllly cool sporting a slicked back coiffure. There was an entire cathedral of warning bells going off in my head, and I just did not see this ending well. She scoops a palm full of gunk out of the jar and works it into my hair. Then she frowns. "Hmm," she says as she takes another scoop. And another. "Huh, your hair isn't wanting to lay flat."

This is what I know about my hair. It's super thick, super straight, and super stiff. Perfect for a flat top, but nowhere near compliant enough for this doofus windswept look she was trying to give me. The stuff would have to have more holding power than duct tape. In the end, I looked like an angry, spiky haired anime character.

Fine. Haha. Now excuse me while I wash away this foolishness. But wait, there's more! Remember when I said Vaseline was a petroleum based product? A chemist like Mr. Chesebrough would describe the viscous goop as hydrophobic and not water soluble. It took scalding hot water and several rounds of automotive degreaser to expunge all evidence, and I smelled like a Jiffy Lube for the next few days.

It's a shame Mr. Chesebrough didn't patent glycerol as well. Also translucent and viscous, it, too, has uses in the beauty industry and hair care products. It's saving grace for me is it's water soluble. It's also sometimes referred to as glycerine.