In my opinion, ever since the death of John Wayne, this country has seen a slow retreat in masculinity. Think about it. In the years since the Duke's death, the ubiquitous mug of black coffee has been replaced by venti mocha frappuccino lattes. Nature and the outdoors are no longer experienced. Instead they're kept at a distance and framed nicely within the 60" (or larger) border of an HD LED flat screen. Critical life skills like knowing how to navigate out of the woods or jumpstart a dead car battery have been supplanted by knowing the optimal thread count for bed sheets and the ability to recognize six different shades of ecru.
So what's the prescription, Doc Wayne?
Peppering your wardrobe with some stylish flannel shirts is a good place to start. Ditch the frappuccinos and hipster man-purses. Forego the Cosmopolitans and order Glenlivet, straight of course, with a Wild Turkey chaser. Get yourself a manly nickname - sorry, "Techno Stud" is taken. Challenge Chuck Norris to a slap contest. Watch all of John Wayne's movies - except for The Conquerer. Bloody hell, Duke, what were you thinking?
Find the nearest drag strip and make a few runs down the quarter mile. Barring that, find yourself a stretch of open road. And drive. Fast. Preferably with today's selection cranked as wide open as your engine.
I know. That seems to be my answer for a lot of things. Dude, don't argue with your doctor...
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